Recently, Brandon has been annoyed with me. Over everything. I can be annoying at times, I won’t deny that at all. He just keeps acting like I’m in his way almost.
Example 1: It is 11:10pm and he got home at 6pm. We came into my office and said hey. He did put his hands on my shoulders and asked if I was ready to go the store. But he has yet to kiss me. This is odd and happening the past few days.
Example 2: He has been picking fights. Like today. He tells me I pay more attention to a favorite artist of mine then him. I completely disagree with this statement. I love my social media, that I will not deny, but he is always playing his game on his phone as well or if we are in the car (I usually drive because my car is better on gas). I will ask him to drive if I really just want a conversation because he can’t look at his phone then. That is just sad. We haven’t had a real conversation in, well, I don’t know how long. It’s always about his work and I rarely tell him about mine nor does he ask. I usually don’t want to anyway because I’m burned out.
Example 3: He tells me “I love you” every day. But when I ask him, why do you love me? He can’t answer. He honestly gets annoyed with me if I ask. Same goes if I disagree with one of his ideas. He flies off the handle and he gets loud (which I hate because loud noises make me nervous). I really wish he’d calm down a little. He’s on edge recently and when I ask what is going on, he says nothing.
Example 4: This wedding is getting closer. He was all into it and now he’s stepped back and I feel scared. I’ll be his second wife. His first marriage only lasted 5 months (long story there). We’ve been together longer then he and his first wife. I’m wondering if he’s nervous about getting married again. With a big wedding. His first marriage was just at the court house, years ago.
Example 5: Today, I asked if we could go by Dunkin Donuts so I could get an iced latte. He said okay, I know it’s Carmel with soy milk? I just stared at him; like in 26 years, I have never ever drank soy milk. I drink skim along with him. This is embarrassing to admit, but this really hurt me. He’s been with me tons of times and he just said soy?
If we broke up, he’d have to move back to SC and he knows that. So that makes me scared too. What if he’s just staying because he’s settling for this life. He talks about being 35, no kids. What if he’s just saying screw it and just rolling with the punches. I don’t want to just be his settle. I want him to love me. ME. As a person. My soul. My way of living.
I just want him to understand that I want to be told that. It makes me feel better. Not everyday or every few days. But don’t stare at me or change the conversation if I ask. I wish he’d just tell me what he wants. If he doesn’t want to get married, he needs to tell me. I’d rather be out thousands of dollars then marry someone who doesn’t really want to marry me.
I really want my Brandon back. The one who loved everything about me and told me.
As I write this now, he’s asleep next to me. There will be no kiss. No goodnights. I will wake up in the morning and his side of the bed will be empty. I can’t even touch him because he wakes up so easily and gets so startled that he jumps and I just don’t want to make him mad right now. Until then, there’s a pillow between us and I’ve never felt so distant from him.
-Sleepless in Charlotte